


Looking back at the beginning of this

by Shaicarus



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, Could probably be looked at as pre-slash if you want to, Except by yours truly, Friendship, Gen, I certainly am, Kinda sorta anyway, M/M, Not Beta Read, Parts of it at any rate, They come together to form a whole, oneshots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-07-29 00:12:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 8,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7662616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shaicarus/pseuds/Shaicarus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Didn't you hate Kaidan back on Horizon?" Shepard wondered curiously, as Garrus taught him how to play an old card game from Palaven.</p>
<p>"Hate is a strong word," Garrus protested. At the unimpressed look he got in return, he conceded, "Maybe for a few minutes. I actually had a chat with him that day."</p>
<p>Shepard's expression shifted to confusion, and then irritation. "Garrus. You didn't."</p>
<p>Shameless, Garrus replied, "I did."</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>Time passes. Things change. It's the only constant in the galaxy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. There might be more than you can see

**Author's Note:**

> So, I started writing a few loosely connected ficlets involving Garrus and Kaidan, and then a few turned into even more, and they started to form a cohesive whole. So I figured 'whatever, why not' and I tidied them up a little, and here they are.
> 
> They are all part of a larger thing, but I haven't written any of that larger thing yet. Also please keep in mind that these were all written really quickly in a row and I'd never really written Kaidan or Garrus before. I think I handled them well enough, but I'll leave that up to you.
> 
> Obligatory bullshit: I don't own any of these characters or Mass Effect. Bioware does. The story title is a line from 3 Doors Down's 'It's Not My Time,' as is the chapter title.

They were back aboard the Normandy for maybe five minutes, Horizon still disappearing behind them, when Garrus sent the message, hoping that Kaidan's contact information was still the same and that he wasn't just sending his demand off into empty space.

_**To:** Alenko, Kaidan_   
_**From:** Vakarian, Garrus_   
_This is a note from your friendly neighborhood vigilante asking: What the HELL kind of stunt was that supposed to be? Were we all just imagining how close the two of you were on the SR-1, or did you just decide it was a good idea to throw that affection back in his face? Honestly, HE is the traitor here?_

Garrus didn't even have time to start pacing across the main battery before his omni-tool beeped. Considering the speed, he half-expected nothing more than a standardized ' _your message could not go through_ ' alert, but he was semi-pleasantly surprised when that was not what he got.

_**Reply From:** Alenko, Kaidan_   
_We've been hearing rumors about him for weeks, but it took running into him on accident for him to tell me he's not dead. And don't act like he hasn't had any chances to tell me; I heard about his meeting with Anderson. So if anyone's forgotten how close we used to be, it wasn't me._

Garrus paused, some of the wind taken out of his sails, one hand hovering over his omni-tool as he thought. In retrospect, it hadn't been handled particularly well. ' _It's been too long, Kaidan,_ ' like they were meeting for lunch. He was aware that his reply looked more than a bit pouty.

_**Reply To:** Alenko, Kaidan_   
_It was still uncalled for._

_**Reply From:** Alenko, Kaidan_   
_Maybe. But I've been under a tiny bit of stress. Combined with the failure to even send me a "Hi, I'm not dead" and the affiliation with a known terrorist organization, yes, I'm a little annoyed._

Okay, that was a valid point. Garrus sighed and tapped his free hand against the main console. Before he could type in a reply, another message showed up.

_**Reply From:** Alenko, Kaidan_   
_He cared enough to track you down, but he couldn't even be bothered to tell me I could stop grieving. Saying it feels like I've been slapped in the face doesn't do it justice. But if it makes you feel any better, I don't hate him. I would just like to punch his face. Possibly with my brain._

Garrus smothered a snort of laughter despite himself. His amusement was short-lived, though, as he thought back. ' _Archangel?_ ' Shepard had said, and he had been so enthusiastic to find out that Archangel and Garrus were one and the same. To find out. Garrus breathed out a slow sigh and keyed in a brief command on his omni-tool. There were a few pinging noises, but the call was answered quickly.

"Garrus?" Kaidan's voice was tinny and startled.

"He wasn't actually looking for me, Kaidan," Garrus said with little preamble. "Pretty sure I only just realized that." He huffed out a laugh. "I just happened to be the vigilante he was tailing. Me, Tali, Liara. He found us all by accident."

There was a quiet burst of static from a commiserating chuckle. "Sorry, Garrus," Kaidan offered, in the amused tones of a man who would meltdown if he didn't laugh at the situation instead. "He'll figure it out eventually."

"You're sure about that?" Garrus wondered dubiously, leaning back against his terminal.

"Well, I can hope," came the dry response.

"Heh. There's always that," Garrus acknowledged. "Take care of yourself, alright? The galaxy's a messy place right now."

"You too, Garrus."

The called ended with another ping.

Not long after, armor shucked and tension as good as forgotten, Shepard peered into the main battery. "Hey Garrus. You got a minute?"

Garrus paused, contemplating the terminal in front of him as if it held all the answers in the universe. He turned enough to look at Shepard over his shoulder.

"Can it wait for a bit? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."


	2. I will not have it twice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have all of them written already, so I'm just gonna post 'em all in a row. Longest part will probably just be looking for chapter titles. I have a strange fixation on using song lyrics. Don't judge me. (I'll probably just leave those for last and go back and name all the chapters retroactively.) And yes, a lot of these are very short. Like I said, they started as just ficlets that happened to be connected.
> 
> Chapter title from Jenny O.'s Won't Let You Leave.

Time passed, as it is wont to do. Aurum Shepard and Garrus went to the Citadel, and Shepard helped Garrus put a bullet between Sidonis's eyes. There was no rush of relief afterwards, though. Certainly, he was grateful for the help and glad to have given his team at least some sort of...closure, even if he was no longer sure it was justice, but he felt no more at ease than he had before. He hadn't been raised in a barn, though, so he thanked Shepard for his help regardless. And then it was just Garrus in the main battery, claws tapping on the edge of the terminal. On a whim, he brought up his omni-tool and keyed in a call.

"Garrus?" Kaidan sounded tired when he answered.

"Did I wake you, Commander?" Garrus wondered dryly. He supposed it would have been polite to check what time it was on Horizon before making the call, but, well, he'd already dialed it in. Oh well.

Kaidan snorted out a wry laugh at the title. "Ah, no, you're good."

"Not sleeping, Commander?" Garrus wheedled further, leaning one hip against the terminal.

There was a huff of static that could have been a laugh. "That obvious?"

Garrus had expected him to deny it. In that absence of that, his tone grew slightly more serious as he asked, "Problems, Commander?"

"Heh. No, I, uh. I love being surrounded by people who hate me. Leaves me feeling really safe at night."

"I gather the people of Horizon haven't eased up on their anti-Alliance stance," Garrus mused.

"Not in the slightest. It's not all bad, though." Kaidan sounded about as sarcastic as Garrus had ever heard him. "Everything's still tense what with, you know. Half the colony gone. I've managed to avert a few fights because of some sort of 'well, at least you're not that Alliance bastard' logic."

Garrus hummed in slightly over-exaggerated acknowledgment. "Maybe next time we offer to whisk you away from it all, you'll actually come with us," he suggested, lacking anything even remotely close to sympathy.

The only response was a flat, "Hm."

The conversation idled into silence, broken only by barely perceptible static, until Garrus heaved out a resigned sigh. "Sorry, Kaidan. I'll drop it."

"It's…fine, Garrus. But I need to get going."

The call ended.


	3. There's such a rift between them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's where it started to become apparent that they wanted to be something more than just a string of oneshots.
> 
> Chapter title from Laura Shigihara's Everything's Alright.

Kaidan didn't make friends easily. Garrus knew that. By all accounts, he had been slow to do so on the SR-1, until Ashley essentially headlocked him and dragged him into her social life, and Shepard coaxed him out of his shell. He hadn't made any friends on Horizon, though admittedly everyone had been against him even before he showed up there. Garrus found himself assuming that the pattern would repeat on the SR-2.

After all, Kaidan was…awkward. Competent and in control on the battlefield, but outside of military situations, he was shyer than any Spectre had any right to be. He didn't keep eye contact easily, he lingered on the edges of conversations rather than join them, and even with people he knew, he didn't start conversations easily. Plus it seemed like he had no idea what to do with the not-so-gentle teasing that was so common amongst the crew.

At first, though, it seemed like maybe he would be alright.

Kaidan's first day back on the ship, Joker called him out over the intercom in the mess hall.

" _Christ, Kaidan, could you have napped any longer? Some of us were doing actual important things._ "

Kaidan shrugged minutely, not deigning to look up from his dinner. "What can I say? I needed my beauty rest after that pounding. Besides, I had to get enough for both of us. When's the last time you left the cockpit?"

" _I'll have you know, I get my beauty sleep every night,_ " Joker retorted indignantly.

Kaidan looked up finally, expression aghast. "Oh. Oh, I am so sorry. I'm sure it'll get better eventually," he assured Joker in a vaguely ceiling-ward direction, to a chorus of quiet snickers from the scattering of crew members in the mess hall with him.

Yes, at first, it had looked like it would go swimmingly, as the humans liked to say. Alas, it had been something of a fluke. Kaidan fell back into old patterns quickly, most of his free time spent on the observation deck, aside from the expected biotic binges in the mess hall. Garrus wasn't sure why. Maybe the Horizon incident was just too commonly known amongst the rest of the crew.

A week and a half in, Garrus decided to intervene, like letting a baby pyjak in out of the rain. He strolled onto the observation deck, casual as anything. Kaidan glanced up from his data pad.

"Garrus," he greeted. "You just missed Shepard."

"Actually," Garrus began slowly, "I came to see you."

"Chats over the omnitool not cutting it anymore?" His quiet amusement did not quite manage to hide his skepticism.

Garrus shrugged loosely, folded his arms, and leaned a shoulder against the wall near the door. "Just wondering if you're ever going to grace the rest of us with your presence, Major."

Kaidan's expression ironed out into flat neutrality. He lowered his data pad to his lap and wondered blandly, "Could you lay the fake ease on any thicker? Go on, try it. I wanna see." He folded his arms, data pad sliding off his knee to land on the couch. "Are you worried I'll start growing mold in here or something?"

"Someone's defensive," Garrus drawled dryly. "I just thought I'd extend a hand, is all."

Something like recognition clicked into place in Kaidan's expression, and he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Garrus. It's an... _admirable_ gesture," he forced out, hand falling to his lap, "but I don't need to be led by the hand into meeting the crew. I've met them. I don't have a dedicated position on the ship, so I work anywhere I'm needed. Plus we all kind of sleep in one room. We get along just fine."

"So humor me, then," Garrus retorted. "Why the hiding?"

"How long did you hide in the main battery after you left Palaven?" Kaidan returned sharply.

Garrus recoiled slightly and offered a reluctant, "A while. But Shepard isn't--"

"I'm not Aurum!" Kaidan snapped, eyes going blue at the edges for a split second before he took a deep breath and let it out. Slowly, as if he was speaking to a child, he explained, "I was made a Spectre as a morale boosting stunt, I had to shoot a Councilor, I don't know where the vast majority of my students are, and my dad is dead." He fell abruptly silent as the knowledge sank in all over again. "So…yeah. Not really feeling social. Not really up for the 'pull yourself up by Shepard's bootstraps' speech, either."

"Kaidan, I…" Garrus trailed off, mandibles pulling in tight against his mouth for a moment. He sighed. "I'm sorry." Rather than leave, he took a free seat on the couch and wondered somewhat self-deprecatingly, "Are we ever _not_ going to get off on the wrong foot?"

"We'll figure it out eventually." Kaidan patted him sympathetically on the shoulder and picked his data pad back up. "Probably after Aurum learns how to communicate."

"Ah, hell," Garrus sighed mournfully. "We're hopeless, then."

Kaidan snorted out a laugh behind his data pad.


	4. It's not in my head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaahaha I've never had a migraine before, can you tell? Shhhhhh. Don't tell anyone. I'm sure there are a few people out there who won't notice.
> 
> (Really lame) Chapter title from Mystery Skulls' Freaking Out.

Garrus had witnessed a couple of Kaidan's migraines, both on the SR-1 and the SR-2. They had never seemed pleasant--not by any stretch of the imagination--but Kaidan was typically still _functional_ during them. It was an open secret that he tended to just keep working right through them, whether he was doing desk work on the ship or biotically juggling people on the battlefield.

With all that in mind, it was a bit startling for Garrus to run into Kaidan in the corridor outside the observation deck, looking dazed and faintly lost, like he had been hit upside the head with one of Garrus's rifles. He had his hands at his temples, and he cringed when Garrus called cautiously, "Kaidan."

Kaidan flinched and weaved two steps away, one shoulder bumping the wall.

Garrus's volume dropped sharply as he asked, "What's going on?"

For a full three seconds, Kaidan was silent, his gaze distant. His words fell into place sluggishly. "Fell asleep over a report," he explained, words even and free of inflection, his tone foggy. "Woke up when the migraine hit."

Garrus took a moment to ponder what to do, until Kaidan sighed out a quiet, dimly resigned, "Ah, shit." He pulled one hand away from his head to instead probe at his nose, and his expression screwed up in mild consternation at the blood on his fingertips, which was also rapidly dripping off of his chin to the floor.

"Kaidan--" Garrus reached out to grab his arm, but he took a weaving step towards the elevator before coming to an uneasy stop, looking vaguely bemused.

"What floor…?" Kaidan trailed off, his attention focused elsewhere. Without bothering to puzzle out whether he had forgotten what floor he was on or what floor he was heading to, Garrus grabbed his shoulder and began towing him away.

"Come on, this way."

Garrus led Kaidan around the right of the elevator, past the mess hall--a few people at the table looked up in confused concern before turning their attention back to their own business--and into the med. bay. He loitered near the doorway for a moment, long enough to note with some amusement that Kaidan's faculties seemed to be returning to him, as he tried to wave away and duck away from Dr. Chakwas's attentions.

As he was leaving again, Garrus sent a message to Shepard's omni-tool as he breezed back into the main battery.

_**To:** Shepard, Aurum_  
_**From:** Vakarian, Garrus_  
_The Major is in the med. bay, if you'd like to check up on him. As the ship's commanding officer, of course._

Fifteen minutes later, Garrus moseyed back out to the mess hall to peer through the windows into the darkened med. bay. He could just make out the outline of Kaidan on one of the beds, Shepard sitting on the foot of it.

Spirits, but they were pathetic sometimes.

(Let the record hold that they were even more pathetic when Garrus walked in on them making out on the couch on the observation deck, and he had not actually wanted to see how humans got amorous with each other. But at least they were done dancing around each other.)


	5. It's alright 'cause I'm with friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This, right here, is my favorite out of all of them. Because I am a mature grown up. Look at me. Look at this. It is clearly about mature grown ups, written by a mature grown up.
> 
> Also, I would pay good money to see a cranky hanar in need of caffeine. Someone should draw that.  
> Chapter title from Mystery Skulls' Ghost.

Most species in the galaxy had some form of liquid stimulant. There was no species that was made up entirely of early risers, though he supposed the hanar came pretty close (or maybe he had just never seen a cranky hanar). Humans, Garrus had learned the morning after joining the crew of the SR-1, had coffee. Shepard and Kaidan did not function without it (nor did Chakwas or Adams, though he recalled that Ashley had been fine without it). On the SR-2, coffee was available at all hours of the day, excepting the moments when the pot ran dry. Shepard and Kaidan, being of the Not Sleeping Much breed of humans that Garrus inadvertently surrounded himself with, were usually awake with plenty of time to get their morning dosage before going about their business. 'Usually' being the operative word there.

Garrus strolled into the mess hall to find Shepard sitting on one side of the table and dimly contemplating the wall, and Kaidan sitting across from him with his arms folded on the table and his head pillowed on them. Cortez sat on the opposite end of the table, leaving them both plenty of room to exist as he ate his breakfast.

"Didn't sleep well?" Garrus inquired innocently, awake and alert as a pyjak.

"Kaidan clings like a parasite in his sleep," Shepard groused dimly by way of explanation, leaning over the table to prop his chin up in one hand.

Garrus darted a glance at the puddle of Major to gauge the reaction, considering Kaidan didn't always recognize teasing.

Voice muffled by the table, Kaidan shot back, "At least I don't snore like a batarian chainsaw."

Rolling his eyes, Garrus sat down and suggested mildly, "You could just go back to separate sleeping spaces."

"No," they answered in stereo, almost before he could even finish speaking.

"That was creepy," Garrus informed them pleasantly. "It's begun; you're conjoining."

"No, that was last night," Kaidan informed the table blandly. On the other end of the table, Cortez very nearly choked on his spoon and clapped a hand over his mouth to avoid spraying the table with half-chewed cereal.

Garrus was quiet for a long moment, before he decided, "For my own sanity, I'm not going to ask. Anything that's got Cortez strangling himself into silence really isn't worth it."

"Your loss," Shepard replied breezily, heaving himself to his feet as the coffee finished brewing.

Garrus scowled after his back. "Somehow, I really doubt that."


	6. This story's missing a wishing well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you hadn't noticed yet, most of these are just the boys being emotionally constipated at each other. The pattern continues. Also, I've invented cross-chirality alcohol because fuck science, that's why.
> 
> (Fun fact: the file I have all these written in is saved as 'GarrusNKaidanAreAwkwardAtEachother')
> 
> Chapter title from Birthday Massacre's Kill the Lights.

The doors to the main battery opened, and Garrus didn't even bother to look up immediately, expecting Shepard's voice, as usual. When all he heard were footsteps circling around the console, he glanced up to see Kaidan coming to a halt on the other side of the railing that separated the console from the rest of the battery. He leaned his elbows on it, and a bottle hung loosely from one hand.

Garrus dipped his head in acknowledgment and Kaidan tipped the bottle in his direction. Garrus turned his attention back to the console, peripheral vision telling him that Kaidan lifted the bottle occasionally to take a drink from it.

Eventually, Garrus glanced up to ask, "Not that I'm complaining, but is there any particular occasion?"

In lieu of an actual answer, Kaidan offered him the bottle.

Skeptically, Garrus wondered, "Can I even drink that?"

"For how much the 'dextro-friendly!'" Kaidan threw in an overly cheerful gesture with his free hand (Jazz hands? Garrus was fairly sure he'd heard the motion referred to as jazz hands), "label on the front cost, then I'd be very unhappy if you couldn't."

"Aw, that's sweet," Garrus deadpanned, and he reached out to take the bottle. "You do care."

"I got it to share with Tali, actually. Lost a poker game."

"Well." Garrus took a long drink and passed the bottle back. "I'll just pretend, then."

He turned his attention back to the console. Now and then, he glanced up minutely and mutely held a hand out for the bottle once more. Eventually, once the bottle had been passed back and forth enough that it was nearly half empty, he wonder, "Sooo, what chased you off the observation deck, hm?"

"Half the crew is having…some sort of slumber party in there, I think?" Kaidan gestured dismissively with the bottle. "Daniels, Donnelly, Adams, Chakwas, Copeland, whoever-he-is who salutes Shepard like it's a fetish, a few others."

Garrus snorted and made a grabby motion at the bottle, fingers opening and closing expectantly until the bottle was pressed into his hand. "And you didn't go to Shepard's room?" He took a drink and passed it back. "I'm stunned."

"He sort of…hovers, when he thinks I'm not happy," Kaidan explained haltingly. "Not really in the mood for the mother hen routine right now."

"Ah," Garrus hummed knowingly. "Well, you've paid the door toll in half-decent alcohol, so my giant cannon is your giant cannon."

"Much appreciated."

Silence of a gradually more drunken nature fell once more. "Heard anything from your family since they got off Palaven?" Kaidan asked eventually, voice low, as Garrus took another drink.

"Not for a while, no," Garrus answered quietly, and he passed the nearly empty bottle back.

"Hn. Yeah." Kaidan tapped two fingers against the bottle in a staccato rhythm. "Same here." He tipped his head back to drain the bottle.


	7. So let's keep movin' on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANGST ALERT, towards the end. You'll know it when you see it.
> 
> This one's a bit longer than the others so far, but it's not the longest of the entire bunch. That one is still to come. I also kind of have a love/hate relationship with this one; I didn't really hit my stride until I was about halfway through.
> 
> Chapter title from Getter Jaani's Rockefeller Street.

They were on Sanctum, Garrus and Kaidan scrolling through what seemed like miles of different plans and schematics while Shepard cleared out the next room. Just as Garrus was about to ask how they were even supposed to tell which one was the Reaper artifact, Kaidan announced, "Got 'em," and began typing.

Oh, right, Garrus mused to himself, Kaidan's a tech.

-

They were on Cyone, the team sprinting for the vent controls until a Marauder body-checked Kaidan and sent him skidding across the ground, towards one of the ledges and the toxic fog below.

Shepard whipped about, eyes widening in panic as he realized he was too far away, until Garrus lunged and caught Kaidan by a knee before he could tumble over the edge.

Kaidan lifted his pistol and shot the Marauder over Garrus's shoulder in thanks.

-

They were on Ontarom, Shepard and Kaidan wrecking havoc below as Garrus picked targets off through the windows of the walkway, until a pair of Guardians began closing in on him from both sides. With no time to aim and no space to run, his shields were dwindling slowly but surely.

Blue energy wrapped around the Guardians, and they both slammed down to the floor. There was a sickening crack from a broken neck, and the other lay dazed for a moment.

"Need a hand up there?" Kaidan called from the ground below, looking far too smug.

Garrus glanced down at the Guardian rousing at his feet and fired a round into his skull. Looking down to the lower level, he protested, "I had it under control."

-

They were on the Citadel-- _all_ of them--chasing Shepard's unexpected clone through the archives like the most ridiculous game of high stakes hide-and-seek. For the third time, Shepard griped, "I don't want to talk about it."

"So make your clone do it," Garrus shot back, in the most obnoxiously 'well, duh' tone he could manage.

"Two Shepards…" Kaidan hummed thoughtfully a moment later.

"Kaidan!" Shepard squawked in return, voice strangled, and Garrus was never going to forget that sound.

He coughed to hide a laugh, but it wasn't much use, since he started laughing anyway.

-

They were in the mess hall, Kaidan sitting on a bench, leaning back on his elbows on the table, Garrus leaning against the counter with his arms folded.

"Creepiest Reaper monstrosities, and you can't pick Husks," Garrus challenged.

Kaidan rolled his eyes. "Fine, but that means you can't pick Marauders."

There was a moment of thought, and they both spit out, "Banshees," simultaneously.

"Don't get me wrong," Garrus added wryly. "I certainly always know when they show up."

"You mean because of that shriek that throws my biotics out of whack?" Kaidan wondered in return.

"Plus they teleport," Garrus pointed out. "I don't do so well with things up close and personal."

One eyebrow rose, and Kaidan asked, "No issues with Brutes?"

Garrus shrugged and waved it off. "They have issues climbing. Something about weighing over a ton."

-

They were in the main battery. It was dim and quiet, save for the ever-present background noise of the ship herself, and Garrus tended not to speak unless he had something to say. Kaidan sat in a corner, eyes closed, head tipped back against a wall until his migraine eased.

-

They were in the lounge, enjoying a moment of quiet.

"Didn't you hate Kaidan back on Horizon?" Shepard wondered curiously, as Garrus taught him how to play an old card game from Palaven.

" _Hate_ is a strong word," Garrus protested. At the unimpressed look he got in return, he conceded, "Maybe for a few minutes. I actually had a chat with him that day."

Shepard's expression shifted to confusion, and then irritation. "Garrus. You didn't."

Shameless, Garrus replied, "I did."

"What are you, my overprotective brother?" Shepard groaned, dragging a hand down his face.

"When needs must, yes," Garrus sniffed in return. "Anyway, it was pretty civil. Mostly we talked about how you don't know how to communicate."

Whatever Shepard was going to say was replace by an audible click of teeth as he closed his mouth, instead settling a puppy-ishly bemused look on Garrus's face.

-

They were hurrying onto the Normandy, pausing only for a moment--"No matter what happens, know that I love you."--and Kaidan looked like his entire world was shattering at his feet as the gangplank rose and sealed with a hiss.

There was a final quiet, desperate, "Aurum," and he reached for the hatch. Garrus hauled him back, until the wound in his side stretched. There was an agonized chatter of incoherent noise and his knees buckled, leaving both of sitting on the shuttle bay deck.

Garrus could hear himself saying, "We need to get to the med. bay," but it sounded like his voice was coming from somewhere far away.

Kaidan didn't seem to have even heard him. There was no question in his voice when he observed, "I'm not going to see him again. Am I." He laughed, a raw, anguished noise. "Earth's burning, but that's the first thing I thought of."

Garrus's head dropped forward, against the back of one of Kaidan's shoulders. "I don't know, Kaidan."

It was a long time before they managed to pick themselves up off of the floor.

-

They were on some unnamed, unexplored garden world at the ass end of the galaxy. Nobody knew they were there, but they were alive. Repairs to the Normandy happened slowly, but they happened, bit by bit, every day.

Kaidan still walked with a limp, as he made his daily trip to the war room to check the communication channels. There was little hope of getting a reply, but he clung to whatever routines he could form.

Like every day before that, Garrus met him in the doorway to the conference room, now a repository for things that had been in the way of repairs.

"Any news?" he asked, though he knew the answer already.

"The static was a bit higher pitched than yesterday," Kaidan answered flatly.

"Well." Garrus pushed away from the doorframe as Kaidan passed, and he fell into step behind him. "That's something."


	8. It doesn't even matter how hard you try

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANGST ALERT
> 
> Seriously, this is basically the saddest thing I have ever written. It was fun. I love making my favorites miserable. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy in my tummy, yes it does.
> 
> Chapter title from Linkin Park's In the End.

The engines strained and the ship groaned. Very few ships were designed to take off from the ground, and the Normandy was not one of them; she was a pampered lady, meant for taking off out of docking bays designed for that purpose. But take off she did. The Normandy was airborne, leaving the unnamed, unexplored garden world at the ass end of the galaxy behind. The crew celebrated with a gusto that suggested they would all burst into tears the moment they stopped, and even Kaidan couldn't contain a stunned laugh.

Better than that, they came to a mass relay. Where they expected floating dust and shrapnel, they found a full relay, battered but functional. With a jaunty, "Everyone hold on, this might be bumpy!" over the intercom, Joker sent her through.

As the ship soared through the vacuum in a familiar blue envelope, Kaidan once more made his trip to the war room, Garrus waiting in the conference room like every day before. He waited. And waited. And waited. For however long it would take to ask all of the appropriate questions if they really were finally back in contact with civilization, and then longer still.

When Kaidan continued to fail to appear, Garrus stepped into the war room, but he found no Kaidan. With a huff, he circled around to the communications room, even if it meant he would be barging in on a conversation. Instead, the door slid open and he nearly barged right into a barrier. It filled most of the doorway, curving away near the top as it formed a sphere. Kaidan knelt in the center of it, shoulders shaking as he stared at the floor, eyes wide and lost. One hand was covering his mouth as if he could physically hold back any noise he might make, and the other was curled limply in his lap.

The last small, frayed tatters of Garrus's optimism disintegrated. "Kaidan…?" he called hesitantly, standing as close to the barrier as he could. When that elicited no response, he tried again, with a sharper, "Major." But Kaidan remained deaf to anything outside of his own little world.

Garrus snapped, he growled, he demanded, he cajoled, he even tried asking politely a few times, but the barrier remained, for who even knew how long. And when blood began to stream from Kaidan's nose and EDI reported gently, "I am picking up a potentially dangerous temperature spike from his biotics amp," then Garrus resorted to _pleading_.

"Kaidan, please. I--I know what they told you," since it wasn't hard to guess, "but you need to come out of there. _Please_ , before you hurt yourself. Shepard wouldn't want this."

Kaidan flinched and doubled over, elbows on the floor and hands over his head, his barrier contracting protectively around him. Garrus mentally kicked himself.

"Cortez?" he asked his communicator, pretending that he didn't sound slightly desperate. "Steve, I need you in the war room. Urgent."

" _On my way._ "

Garrus stepped into the minimal space that had opened up when the barrier contracted, dropping to his knees to peer at Kaidan through the haze of blue. When Steve barreled into the room, it was quickly enough that Garrus could only assume he had sprinted the whole way from the shuttle bay. Steve paused for only a moment to get a look at the situation, and then he didn't even bother asking what was wrong. His eyes grew wide and sad, before he took a deep breath, shoved his feelings into a box, and dropped to his knees beside the barrier.

Garrus watched like he expected something dramatic to happen, Steve's voice a low, constant murmur as he did his best to coax Kaidan back out. If there was anyone on the ship who knew what Kaidan was going through, it was Steve.

Eventually, after it seemed like an eternity had passed and there was a visible puddle of blood on the floor, the barrier contracted, flickered, and died. For a moment, Kaidan didn't move, and then he went lax on the floor. He twitched, once, then twice, and started seizing.

There was a rather emphatic, " _Fuck_ ," and Garrus looked up towards the ceiling. "EDI!"

"Dr. Chakwas is on her way," she assured him calmly.

-

Chakwas sighed, standing beside the bed Kaidan was still asleep on. "He'll be fine," she said to Garrus's unasked question, "but if he does that one more time, _I_ might rattle his implant myself."

Garrus hummed a quiet laugh. "I'll be sure to let him know."

There was a moment of silence between them, before Chakwas pointed out, "The rest of the crew is still enjoying their impromptu party, if you care to join them. You don't need to stay here."

Garrus sighed. "You go on, Doctor. I'm not in much of a partying mood."

She gripped his shoulder for a second. "Just let me know if anything changes." She strolled out onto the crew deck.

Garrus loitered near the desk for a moment longer, before he huffed out a breath and dragged the doctor's chair over to the side of the bed.

-

It was dark when Kaidan woke up, save for a dim light from beside him. He cautiously turned his head, to see Garrus faintly illuminated in the light of a data pad, reclining in a chair with his ankles crossed on an unused corner of the bed.

"Evening," Garrus greeted, glancing at Kaidan from the corner of his eye.

"How long've you been sitting there?" Kaidan wondered, voice still fuzzy and slightly slurred.

"Long enough," Garrus replied. "Steve's come in to check on you a few times, too." He lowered the pad to look at him properly. "Feeling like death slightly warmed over, or just like shit?"

There was a thoughtful pause. "I'll get back to you on that."

Silence fell over the medical bay, stretching until Kaidan breathed out a laugh. "I'm such an idiot." There was another, slightly damp laugh. "I just--I kept telling myself 'no news is good news, he could still be alive,' but we--we were both there. We saw…what he was throwing himself at."

Garrus swung his feet down to the floor, sitting up enough to lean towards the bed, grabbing Kaidan's shoulder as he insisted sharply, "You're not an idiot. I--" He broke off, glanced away, and shook his head. "I've been telling myself 'he's waiting on Earth' since Hackett called the retreat. So if you're an idiot, so am I. And no cute remarks."

There was a startled snort of laughter, followed by, "Wouldn't dream of it."

They lapsed into silence again, until Garrus heaved a reluctant sigh and stood up. "I get that you're not back up to full speed, but we'll be in the Sol system soon. If we're going to tell the crew, now's the time."

He held a hand out. Slowly, Kaidan took it and let himself be pulled to his feet.


	9. He took a step but then felt tired

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is where the stories basically decided they all wanted to be part of the same thing. This one basically continues from right where the last one left off, save for maybe a six minute gap for the crew to congregate.
> 
> Also
> 
> ANGST ALERT. Milder this time.
> 
> Chapter title from Regina Spektor's Blue Lips.

The crew deck was packed, every member of the crew clustered onto it, gathered in a messy semi-circle around Kaidan and Garrus. Even Joker, as EDI had insisted he let her take over flying the ship for a short while. And every single one of them was silent.

Silent, until Tali burst out, "You had no right to keep that from us!" as she jabbed a finger at Kaidan's chest.

"I've been unconscious since I found out," he pointed out evenly. "I suppose I'll work on my dream walking for future occasions."

"Shepard wouldn't have kept something like this from us!" she insisted, that time aimed at both him and Garrus.

Kaidan recoiled a step. "I'm not Aurum," he reminded her, voice slightly unsteady. "I don't need to be told that. And if you think you're the only one who wishes he was the one talking to you instead, you're very sadly mistaken."

Tali shrank back, one hand hovering near the bottom of her helmet, as if she could somehow physically force the words back inside. "I--I just--" She stammered off into senseless syllables.

"How're you holding up, Major?" Joker interjected, almost pointedly.

Kaidan held his breath for a moment, almost audibly grinding his teeth until he could force out in a reasonably even voice, "I'm…I'm good."

"Yeah, that's bullshit."

"Kaidan…" Tali's voice had softened. "I'm sorry. What--what do you need us to do?" She reached out as if to pull him into a hug.

He jerked back, away from her hands, backpedaling a few steps until his back met the wall. "We'll be arriving at Earth soon," he replied quickly, hands curling into fists at his sides as if to physically hold himself together. "You should all get ready to disembark." He turned and all but fled towards the elevator.

"That was something," Garrus observed after a few seconds.

Joker reached out and smacked the back of Tali's helmet, only to quietly grouse, "Ow," as he cradled his hand to his chest. "They were basically married," he pointed out. "Just, you know. In case you forgot."

"I know, I just--I don't know why--Shepard's _gone_." Anything else Tali might have said came out as a sob.

Whatever spell had kept the rest of them relatively calm up to that point broke, as Donnelly swore colorfully and punched the table, before turning to pull Gabby into a hug. It was not news to Cortez, who tried to calm Vega as he screamed like a wounded animal, and shortly after they disappeared to the shuttle bay. Liara, predictably, was mournful but not surprised, and she did her best to comfort Traynor, Chakwas, and Tali. Javik seemed to simply vanish, disappearing into the lowest reaches of the engineering deck, though there was nowhere to hide from Shepard's pride and affection that blanketed every corner of the ship.

Soon, it was just Garrus standing in the middle of the mess hall. His fist met one of the medical bay windows with enough force that it cracked, denting slightly inwards and spiderwebbing within its coating. He hurried back to the main battery.


	10. No need to say goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is itty bitty. Initially this one and the last one were written together, but when I was prettying them up, they didn't seem to fit quite as well as they originally did, so I shrugged and cut them in two.
> 
> Chapter title from Regina Spektor's The Call.

Life did not put itself in stasis simply because the Normandy and her crew were out of commission. As she docked in London, the fleets were gone, and it was apparent that Earth, and all the other worlds were putting themselves back together, slowly but surely.

When they disembarked, stumbling into the evening light of London's wreckage like a parade of pleasantly befuddled zombies, the Earth looked less like a bomb had gone off and more like a wrecking ball had hit it.

Later, they would learn that Wrex, Grunt, Samara, and Primarch Victus had stayed on Earth for quite some time, until a funeral could be held for Shepard, though they too left in time.

"There you are."

Kaidan glanced up at Garrus, and shifted aside to make room on his bench, tucked away behind a group of tents. It wasn't the most comfortable spot, but it was private, and secluded enough that it let Kaidan have a few minutes of quiet.

Garrus took a seat, groaning as he leaned over, forearms on his knees and head hanging. "How did the meeting with Hackett go?"

"As expected. He's already got plans for me." Kaidan shrugged one shoulder listlessly.

"Getting right back to work, then?" Garrus wondered, glancing sideways at him.

"It's better than just sitting on my hands. Heading back to Palaven soon?"

"On the next transport."

Kaidan hummed in quiet acknowledgement.

They sat in exhausted but companionable silence for a few long moments, just relishing in the ability to sit down for a few moments, until Garrus quietly asked, "Will you be alright?"

"I'll live," Kaidan replied, in the faintly wry tone of someone who had answered that question many, many times already.

"You promise?" Garrus turned his head to look at him fully.

Kaidan's head jerked up slightly, startled. And then something that was maybe the ghost of a smile quirked one side of his lips for a second. "Yeah. Promise."

-

With the relays still intact, getting a transport back to Palaven was surprisingly painless. It helped that Garrus had turned into something of a big deal back home. Despite that, Garrus was still the last to leave, after Tali had booked passage back to Rannoch and Liara had returned to Thessia with Javik.

Standing at the bottom of the transport's gangplank, Garrus looked down at Kaidan. "Keep in touch, Major."

He boarded the ship.


	11. City lights are burning bright behind me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we have it! The longest and the last, and the one that takes place as like 70 % various forms of messaging and required the most amount of formatting. And the one that doesn't take place entirely from Garrus's perspective and spans a reasonably long time. I like this one, all in all. Seemed like a good way to wrap this up.
> 
> Chapter title from Jet Black Stare's Ready to Roll. You all now know way more about my musical tastes than you ever wanted or needed to. Congratulations.

"Keep in touch, Major."

The last thing Garrus said to Kaidan, though he didn't actually expect him to. To put it mildly, it came as a surprise when Garrus's omni-tool beeped at him a month later. He quickly set it to silent, glanced around to make sure no one else in the meeting had noticed or was paying much attention to him, and checked the message.

_**Chat initiated by:** Kaidan Alenko_  
_**KA:** I'm going to shoot someone. I'll need character witnesses._  
_**GV:** Shoot them non-lethally, and I'll explain to the court that you're too socially awkward to have been aware that it's taboo in polite society._  
_**KA:** I was going to say thank you, but now I'm offended._  
_**GV:** Who are you shooting and why?_  
_**KA:** A doctor. One of my students turned up--we thought she was KIA, she was in a coma--and now that she's sort of awake and aware, the doc's being a condescending, dismissive dipshit._  
_**KA:** She's willing to risk brain damage to toss him out a window._  
_**GV:** Offer to do it for her. You're a Spectre, you can get away with it._  
_**KA:** Tempting. Hackett still scares me, though, so that's a last resort._  
_**GV:** Well, I'm out of suggestions._  
_**KA:** You've been very helpful._  
_**Chat terminated by:** Kaidan Alenko_

-

Garrus had been gone for six weeks, but that didn't stop him from waking Kaidan up at 2:00 in the morning in London, when Kaidan's omni-tool chimed at him. He woke up sluggishly, glaring at the obnoxiously orange tool before he checked the message.

_**Chat resumed by:** Garrus Vakarian_  
_**GV:** My sniper rifle is gone._  
_**GV:** Someone kidnapped my baby._  
_**KA:** Did you check behind the sofa?_  
_**GV:** Ha. Ha. Ha._  
_**KA:** Where did you last have it?_  
_**GV:** When I got back to the apartment last night and put it in the locker._  
_**KA:** So you aren't worried that someone had to have broken into your apartment, just that they took your rifle._

The chat paused at that point, and Kaidan laid back down. He so very nearly managed to fall back to sleep, until his omni-tool chimed once more and he put some serious thought into attempting long-ranged psychic murder.

_**GV:** Well, they didn't take anything else, so yes, the rifle is all I'm worried about._  
_**GV:** And how they got into my locker._  
_**KA:** Report it stolen, then. You're a hero of the Reaper War. I'm pretty sure someone will care that your rifle was stolen._  
_**KA:** I'm not sure how you're expecting me to help when I'm not even wearing pants._

There was another pause, just long enough to make it apparent that Garrus was not simply typing.

_**GV:** Did I interrupt you at an inopportune time?_  
_**KA:** Yes. In the middle of sleeping. It's after 2 in the morning._  
_**GV:** Oops._  
_**Chat terminated by:** Garrus Vakarian_

Kaidan rolled over and went back to sleep.

Later, when a properly human hour of the morning dawned and not even ten minutes after he woke up for the day, his omni-tool once again chimed at him.

_**Chat resumed by:** Garrus Vakarian_  
_**GV:** So I might have left my rifle at the shooting range._  
_**GV:** That is a distinct possibility._  
_**KA:** I'm telling Allers._  
_**GV:** You've lived a good life and I will miss you after I shoot you._  
_**Chat terminated by:** Garrus Vakarian_

-

It took two months after leaving Earth for Garrus to be able to take some much needed (and deserved) time off, after spending the vast majority of those two months helping to organize the rebuilding efforts on Palaven.

His apartment wasn't much in terms of luxury or space, but no one's was at that point. When it came to just sitting down for a few minutes, though, it was better than most other available options.

His omni-tool beeped at him.

_**Chat resumed by:** Kaidan Alenko_  
_**KA:** I'm on protection detail and bored out of my skull. Help._  
_**GV:** You sure that's not just your L2 acting up?_  
_**KA:** If so, it's found a new, very subtle way of tormenting me. Either way, help._  
_**GV:** Actual help, or asshole help?_  
_**KA:** Actual help. I'm stationed outside the conference room, so all I can hear is this droning monotone._  
_**GV:** One of the newly-helpful Reapers is in orbit around Palaven and I was telling horror stories about it to the younger recruits._  
_**KA:** That's just mean. Go on._

-

_**Chat resumed by:** Garrus Vakarian_  
_**GV:** Are you in the middle of anything particularly pressing right now?_  
_**KA:** Not at this specific moment. Why?_  
_**GV:** We've gotten to the agricultural part of the meeting. Necessary, yes. Interesting, no._  
_**GV:** I'm bored. Help._  
_**KA:** Hackett managed to strike fear into the hearts of half a dozen of my students last night. With six words._  
_**GV:** That is a story I need to hear. It's become imperative._

-

_**Chat resumed by:** Garrus Vakarian_  
_**GV:** I just saw the most spectacular demonstration of 'open mouth, insert foot.'_  
_**GV:** It was truly something to behold._  
_**GV:** Really? Opening like that and you're not interested?_  
_**GV:** Not even a little?_  
_**GV:** Anyone there?_  
_**GV:** Am I shouting into the void here?_  
_**KA:** migraine go away plz_  
_**KA:** talk later_  
_**Chat terminated by:** Garrus Vakarian_

_**Chat resumed by:** Garrus Vakarian_  
_**GV:** This is the third time this week. Relax and at least pretend to push yourself less, or I'm showing up to kidnap you._  
_**Chat terminated by:** Garrus Vakarian_

-

_**Voice mail received from:** Garrus Vakarian_  
_"Hey, Kaidan. News said something about a Spectre being injured on Earth, and there aren't exactly many candidates. Figured I'd check in. Get back to me when you can. …Is this what you humans call 'phone tag?'"_

_**Voice mail received from:** Kaidan Alenko_  
_"I'm alright, don't worry. I was helping to clear out one of the more salvageable buildings, which apparently wasn't as salvageable as I'd been told. The floor caved in, and I haven't learned how to glide like Samara yet. Tag, you're it."_

_**Voice mail received from:** Garrus Vakarian_  
_"I would smack you over the head, but gravity seems to have done that for me."_

_**Voice mail received from:** Kaidan Alenko_  
_"Be nice. I've made it eight months without an injury. My implant didn't even get rattled this time."_

-

Kaidan yawned until his jaw cracked before he answered his chiming omni-tool.

"We've been over this whole time difference thing, right?" he wondered, words still thick with sleep. "Or did I dream that conversation?"

"Oops," Garrus replied, entirely unapologetic. "It'll only take a minute. I'm going to be in Earth's general vicinity in a week or so. Thought we could meet up, talk face to face for a change."

Kaidan yawned once again, words coming out a bit like mush as he said, "Yeah, sure. Sounds good." He scrubbed one wrist over his eyes. "What's the occasion?"

Garrus scoffed. "You didn't honestly think we'd let you move the Citadel without us, did you?"

Kaidan snorted. "Silly me. You sure you'll have time for a break?"

"Councilor Victus is lenient where our band of madmen is concerned, so I'm sure I'll manage," Garrus returned wryly. "I'll let you know when we're en route. Go back to sleep."

-

Ten months passed at a crawl and at breakneck pace simultaneously. The worlds continued to inch towards improvement, until in some of the less ravaged parts of the galaxy, life could almost continue like normal. Vast swaths of London remained cordoned off and Kaidan missed Vancouver, but watching the galaxy put itself back together was satisfying, and communications were stable enough again that he could get in touch with his mother with some regularity.

Still, figuring out how to move a station as large as the Citadel as far as it needed to be moved was not an easy task. Garrus and Kaidan wisely left that task to the engineers to deal with, and they fled before they could get roped into some sort of errands.

There were no bars, so to speak, but lounges and speakeasies had sprung up along the outskirts of London. Somewhere for everyone embroiled in the rebuilding to go when they needed to take a few steps away from it all. The two of them tucked themselves away in a corner of one such lounge, sitting on mismatched chairs at a slightly uneven table with a bottle of beer and a glass of turian brandy that someone had liberated from the recently arrived ships.

"…so I asked him what he was planning to do with it," Garrus explained, "and he said 'it's got to be worth something, sir. Just look at it!' And I guess I can see why, since it was a very unique looking bit of skeleton. And this kid just doesn't know what it is, and no one else wants to explain it, which meant it was up to me to explain to him that he was parading around the skeletonized remains of a Brute." He snorted. "And he dropped it like…well, like he was holding the remains of an undead eldritch baby."

Kaidan snorted out a laugh behind one hand, as if he wasn't allowed to just laugh like everyone else. He quickly covered it by taking another drink.

-

"…and Jack's standing on top of it, like it's as steady as the floor in here, never mind that Rodriguez and Prangley are holding it upright basically on their shoulders. And then the wind picks up and Rodriguez gets distracted when her hair blows into her face, because she's got about four kilometers of it--"

"Honestly," Garrus interjected, "you have the least convenient crests of any species."

" _So_ ," Kaidan continued loudly, before dropping back to a normal volume, "Prangley's got just about all of its weight, and of course the entire thing comes toppling down. We're all freaking out, thinking Jack, Rodriguez, and Prangley are dead or maimed, and then Jack pops out of the debris like an angry daisy, demanding to know who's cleaning the mess up, because it sure as shit isn't her."

Garrus chuckled behind his glass. "Sounds like Jack. Did you get stuck with the mess?"

"I had protection detail to get to," Kaidan replied innocently. "Human Councilors have bad track records and need to be babysat at all times."

-

"What even happens," Garrus wondered somewhat unsteadily, as they made their weaving way to Kaidan's shoebox of an apartment, "when you get well and truly soused? As a biotic, I mean."

"Same thing as you," Kaidan replied blandly. "I just glow blue while I'm doing it."

Garrus prodded incessantly at his shoulder. "I wanna see."

Dutifully, Kaidan glowed blue, and knocked Garrus onto his ass with pull. He then took off at a sprint down the road, leaving Garrus to scramble gracelessly back to his feet and tear after him.

-

Kaidan nudged Garrus's shin with his foot. "Vakarian."

Garrus snorted and his head jerked up from where it had been dipping towards his chest. "What?" he mumbled, fuzzy and unfocused.

Kaidan shook his head good-naturedly. "Nothing. Never mind."

Garrus was out cold again in an instant. Kaidan threw a blanket over him and sat down on the other end of the couch to get some work done, but fell asleep himself before he even finished reading the first paragraph.

-

The Citadel no longer hung in the sky over the city. Eventually, a team might even go in to open it back up, but the station no longer held quite the same allure as it had before. Garrus knew he felt no urge to return to it any time soon. By the way Kaidan looked as if a weight had been dropped from his shoulders, Garrus was fairly sure he wasn't alone in that decision.

They stood at the base of the gangplank, stalling for one last moment.

"Take care of yourself, Garrus." Kaidan held a hand out.

"You too, Kaidan." Garrus gripped his hand in return.

"Or what, you'll kidnap me?" Kaidan challenged with a wry smirk, one eyebrow raising.

"Yes," Garrus returned primly. "I haven't got many friends left in this universe, Major."

Kaidan's smile softened. "You worry too much."

Their hands dropped and Garrus began to make his way up the gangplank, calling over his shoulder, "I've found I tend to worry exactly the right amount."

-

Garrus's omni-tool beeped insistently, until at last he harrumphed, rolled onto his back, and answered it.

"Kaidan. I thought the late night calls were my specialty."

"I thought I should repay the favor," Kaidan replied. Though the words were nothing out of the ordinary, there was something odd about his tone.

"Something wrong?" Garrus wondered, sitting up on one elbow, as if he could actually do anything from Palaven.

"Not wrong, no. It's…" Kaidan trailed off for a moment. "I just realized it's been a year since we made it back to Earth."

"Already?" Garrus brought up the date on his omni-tool, blinking at it. "Huh. I guess time flies when you work yourself to the bone."

Kaidan laughed quietly. "I guess so." There was a pause, and he sighed. "I don't…actually know what I was expecting you to say here. I'll let you get back to sleep." Another pause, even shorter. "Here's to another year, I guess."

"Hopefully with five minutes to sit down, now and then. Good night, Kaidan."


End file.
